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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Fap, yeah!!! Dragon Age 2 is my new girlfriend!!!!

This message is coming directly from Dagobah. I sat down today and spent some quality time with the "Dragon Age II" demo. Holy Skywalker's panties I fapped. After, not during, but that is beside the point. I will not tell you a lie about that. It was amazing! A short, but adequate glimpse of what is going to come, Dragon Age II looks to be exactly what I was hoping for and more! Hot chicks, dragons and slaughtering the crap out of filthy enemies. Who doesn't want all of those things in their life? Crazy people, that's who. Not to mention, the hot rogue chick more than implied that she would provide me ample opportunity to copulate with her. I know! Do the beast with two backs with a hot rogue chick! It's like my dreams are becoming real by the minute. Mind you the gameplay is different. It took a second to get used to, but I think it's going to pan out into a sequel that doesn't play like sequels. It's a beast of its own and a beautiful, cleavage clad beast it is. A story of an outcast that rises up to become a champion. Sound familiar? If you're anything like me, I know it does. One day you're a kind of small, handsome (in an intelligent warrior of the gaming realm sort of way) fantasy loving individual that for whatever reason in their ignorance the chicks of this day and age just don't get; then out of nowhere you are a champion. This game may as well be my biography. In a very non-literal sort of way. Forget trying to impress the girls out there. My time will be amply filled with this game for a good while. And oh, did I mention the hot rogue chick I'm going to have the sex with? This message has come to you directly from Dagobah.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Everybody faps...sometimes.

This message has been sent direct from Dagobah. I will not try to sugar coat this post. It is exactly what it seems to be. I have grown weary of those who try to deny the basic human instinct to maintain one's fapping. I do it. You do it. We all do it. Let's just call it what it is. Fun and important. It's a magical moment we can share with ourselves to make the world a little brighter. The mere existence of Lara Croft, Princess Zelda, Bayonetta and Lindsey Lohan (okay, maybe not Lindsey Lohan) prove that we must fap. We must! So let us unite and shout to the skies with our heads held high. "We fap and we are proud!" This message has been sent direct from Dagobah.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Black Ops...It has arrived with a monkey killing vengance.

This message is direct from Dagobah. I'm writing this to celebrate the arrival of one of the most touted game releases of our generation. I probably don't even need to tell you what it is. The 'Call of Duty' franchise has dethroned 'Halo' and defends its crown with honor. 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' charged into the world with a release that could not be equaled. And for good reason. It is awesome. Who amongst us hasn't wanted to charge off the grid into enemy territory and kill commies from times past? I have. That is a sharp truth. Now, I have gotten the opportunity to do it. And it is sweet. Being put in the world of the history that never got written, toting glorious guns and shooting an uncountable number of enemies is exactly what I had hoped it would be. Vehicle play is nice to have back. There is nothing wrong with flying an attack chopper and blowing up everything in site. Or how about the Rolling Stones loaded boat scene? I will not lie. It made me want to fap. And I may have done just that. The online play is slick and pretty. It does not let its fans down. The details in this game are wonderful. In a level late in the campaign, I came on a room filled with caged monkeys. What was I to do? I needed to know if I could lay vengeance on these tiny primates, so I fired. The monkey fell back, deader than James when he tries to beat us at anything. I never thought I would be the type to gun down an innocent monkey, but when put in that situation, it turns out I was. Trent, the monkey killer is who I became. I guess this is just another testament to how war can change us all. This message has been sent Direct from Dagobah.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Halo. How it changed the world. Was it the right thing to do?

This message is coming to you directly from Dagobah. Nobody has any illusions to how 'Halo' changed the world of gaming. It single handedly made the Xbox what it is. It brought console gaming to a new level. I'll never forget riding in the back of a warthog letting rounds from my machine gun fly into helpless hoards of covenant filth. In a lot of ways, it changed my life and possibly made it better. My question is this. Was it worth it? Now, you have to sort through the masses to find anything that is not a first person shooter. Yes, I know other games exist, but the bulk of the big release titles are just trying to emulate what 'Halo' did for us. Don't get me wrong. Some achieve this and in the case of the 'Call of Duty' franchise surpass it. But, that can only bring so much solace when the rest try and fail time after time leaving us, the loyal followers very little console gaming options. Did 'Halo' do the right thing? That's something this video game Jedi cannot answer. This message has come to you directly from Dagobah.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I miss the old days. Tie Fighter, where have you gone?

This message is coming to you directly from Dagobah.  I figured I would take a minute to muse about times past.  To the sweet joy of piloting one of the world's most infamous aircraft.  The Tie Fighter.  I know you remember.  If you don't, then I have nothing more to say to you.  The experience of flying a variety of different fighters, all Tie, and hunting down Rebel Scum throughout the galaxy.  It felt so wrong, but so right.  Like the first time you fapped.  What happened to these games?  Gaming technology has only gotten better, but in the improvements something has been lost.  When technology wasn't what it is, games needed to try harder.  They needed a solid foundation, something special.  Not just amazing graphics and sound.  It was about story.  About characters.  About gameplay.  That is what I miss.  Not that it isn't out there, because on some occasions it is, but not like it used to be.  I don't know about you, but I want it back.  I want to fly along Darth Vader and slaughter X-Wings, A-Wings, Y-Wings, B-Wings, all of them.  I want to feel the combat of the old magic that used to define PC gaming.  I want it to feel like I'm fapping for the first time all over again and I know you do too.

This has been a message relay from Dagobah.